The Gal Next to Me Is Trying Too Hard to Make Me Fall in Love With Her
โโThe train is arriving at Platform 3. For your safety, please step back behind the yellow tactile paving.
The announcement echoed across the platform.
The train stopped, doors opened, and several people got off. After watching them depart, I boarded.
I sat down in an empty seat, exhaled deeply, and lowered my gaze, guilt washing over me.
โโฆI’m just awful, aren’t Iโฆโ
Invading someone else’s family home, losing my composure without permission, ruining the festive atmosphere.
And of all days, it had to be January 1st.
The auspicious New Year’s Day.
I ruined that one important day that only comes once a year. The gravity of it made my head throb painfully.
โButโฆโ
I don’t mean to justify what I did.
I’m the worst person.
But I couldn’t bear to just act like nothing happened in front of Saeki. Given everything I’ve done, the weight of my guiltโI’d probably throw up anything I ate.
โIt’s over, huhโฆ Haโฆโ
I’d gone way too far with my disrespect.
Even Saeki must be utterly fed up with me by now. He might have lost all patience. He might even hate me now.
โฆIt’s sad, but it can’t be helped.
Or rather, it’s better this way.
It’s better for me not to be near him anymore.
โโWhat’s over?โ
A voice made me lift my head, and I gasped.
For a moment, I felt unbearably happy, and at the same time, my body felt like it was splitting apart with guilt. Even though I was on the train, I nearly let out a loud cry.
โWh-why did you comeโฆ?โ
โDo I need a reason?โ
As he spoke, he took off his coat and sat down beside me with a wry smile, saying, โAmagi-san, you walk too fast.โ
He wiped the sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand, then flapped his coat to let air inside.
โThis train’s going the opposite direction of your way home. If you’re going back, you have to get off at the next station and turn around.โ
โโฆFine. Go home alone, Saeki.โ
โThen I’ll come with you.โ
โBut we’ll go all the way to the end of the line. Are you sure?โ
โI’m fine with that.โ
โโฆYou might not be able to get home tonight.โ
โI’ll look for a place to stay near the end station.โ
โYou can’t just book a place on New Year’s Eve.โ
โThen we’ll sleep rough together.โ
He gave a resigned smile, and it was so beautiful I didn’t know how to respond.
I lowered my face, hunched my back, and melted into Saeki’s warmth.
He said nothing.
He didn’t get angry, nor did he offer any kind words.
He justโฆ just stayed beside me.
Right up until the train came to a complete stop and disgorged all its passengers.
โ
After about two hours of train swaying.
The place we got off at for the first time was an unmanned station with only a lone automatic ticket gate standing there.
Despite its retro appearance, still carrying the scent of the Showa era, the ticket gate alone was oddly new, making it look a bit silly and amusing.
โWant to walk a bit?โ
She didn’t speak, but after a few seconds, she nodded.
Even though it was right in front of the station, there was nothing much around. The scenery stretched on endlessly, the kind where a hundred people would look at it and a hundred would say it was the countryside.
Streetlights were sparse.
For the first time in my life, I felt grateful for the headlights of the occasional passing car.
โI did look into it, but there aren’t many places to stay, and I couldn’t get a reservationโฆ Looks like we’re really going to have to sleep outside. Wish there was a store open 24 hours or somethingโฆโ
January. The dead of winter.
The temperature was in the single digits. Sleeping outside on a night like this felt dangerousโฆ Well, I had warm clothes, so one night should be okay. Worst case, I could just stay awake until morning.
I walked aimlessly, walked and walked.
After a while, I found a park.
Just a few playground structures, some benches, and a vending machine. Like the station, it was clearly deserted now, hardly used at all.
โHere, please.โ
I sat Amagi down on a bench and went to the vending machine.
I bought two cans of hot cocoa and returned to her.
At first, she kept her head down and didn’t try to take them. But when I opened the seals and practically forced them into her hands, she reluctantly took one and put it to her lips.
โIt’s been a while since I had canned cocoa like this. It’s delicious, isn’t it?โ
โโฆMm.โ
โIt’s nice drinking it in the cold, too.โ
โโฆMm.โ
โLooks like there’s a convenience store a little further ahead. Once we finish these, shall we go? I’m getting hungry too.โ
โโฆUm, wellโฆโ
โYes?โ
She looked up at me with drooping eyes.
โAfter the cultural festivalโฆ I talked to Mom.โ
Her face was completely devoid of spirit, and somehow, it felt like the shine had faded from her hair too.ใ
โI thought of myselfโฆ as a victim, like Mom was treating me terribly. I thought I was pitiful.โ
โButโโ she continued, taking a breath, then biting her lip hard.
โThe worst one was me.โ
โ
[Mom, I just want Arisa to have a good life. That’s truly all she wantsโฆ But Mom’s stupid and clumsy, so I just couldn’t figure out how to do it. I’m sorry for all the awful things I said until nowโฆ]
Returning to my parents’ house after so long, sitting at the same table as Mom, the first words out of her mouth were an apology.
Honestly, it felt good.
Like she finally understood.
Like my own righteousness had finally been proven.
But at the same time.
โShouldn’t I have realized Mom’s true intentions sooner?
I couldn’t help but think that.
Because I knew Mom struggled with studying and wasn’t good at talking things out.
I knew she’d gone back to school math drills, but couldn’t understand them at all, and cried alone.
I knew she was mocked by relatives for it, compared to me as a child, ridiculed as a sparrow giving birth to an eagle.
And yet.
I should have suspected there was some deeper reason behind her suddenly rejecting me, but I prioritized what I wanted and abandoned that suspicion. I lined up plausible-sounding arguments, silenced her rebuttals, and tried to make things go my way.
[It’s Arisa-chan’s life, and I know she can handle anythingโฆ but couldn’t I guide her toward a more sensible path? I wouldn’t want her turning out like me, would I?]
And in the process, I relied on Grandma. For high school enrollment paperwork, moving arrangementsโI talked Grandma into helping, making her my ally.
After all, it was Grandma who warned Mom that I was starting to stray from the straight and narrow.
โฆWell, no wonder Mom lost it.
Grandma, who’d always worried about me, was suddenly helping me instead. I bet Mom couldn’t make sense of it and felt utterly alone. On top of that, I treated her coldlyโฆ It must have been unbearably painful.
โAnd how does that relate to what happened this time?โ
โIt does! Of course it does!โ
Saeki, who had been listening silently, tilted his head in confusion.
I raised my voice for a moment, then snapped back to myself. โSorryโฆโ I swallowed my anger.
โEarlier, I was talking with some friends in class. They said Saeki has this big brother vibe, that he’s really good at looking out for peopleโฆโ
It was shortly after I’d met Saeki.
[He even thinks about nutrition properly. Saeki-kun is really thorough, isn’t he?]
[He looked out for Arisa before too. He’s kind of like an older brother.]
[I know! I’d love to have an older brother like that!]
Everyone said things like that.
I thought so too, and I genuinely loved that side of him.
โBut you know, that makes sense. He really is an older brother. Probably, whether it was younger brothers, younger sisters, older brothers, or older sisters, Saeki was always looking out for everyone, right? That must have been incredibly tough, so maybe that’s why he started living alone?โ
He didn’t say anything.
But his face seemed to say, โHow did you know that?โ
โLiving alone as a high schooler is super rareโฆ but I never asked why. All I could think about was wanting to date him. I never even wondered why he was so set on living alone. I never thought about how hard it might be for Saekiโฆ!โ
Tears welled up and spilled out.
“To my beloved mom, to my beloved Saekiโฆ this is just so selfish of me, isn’t it!?ใI’m the worst!! This is hopeless!!”
No matter how much I wiped, the tears kept flowing endlessly.
โSoโฆ so, okay? Please don’t bother with me anymore? It’s too much for someone like me, who only thinks about herself, a selfish, arrogant jerk, to even think about being with the person I love. I’ll definitely hurt them beyond repair somedayโฆ!!โ
Everything I’d done so far, all the things I’d done to make Saeki fall for me, flashed through my mind.
How had he felt about all that?
How much cold sweat had he been pouring behind that embarrassed smile?
Just imagining it made me sick with guilt.
โโฆUm, Amagi-san.โ
He murmured softly, looking at me.
His gaze immediately dropped downward, then looked at me again, nodding shallowly as if resolved. Heat burned in both his eyes, reflecting me and shining brightly.
โI’m sorry.โ
โโฆWh-why are you apologizing?โ
โBecause I’m about to do something really awful.โ
No sooner had he spoken than he grabbed my wrist.
The shock sent the cocoa tumbling toward the ground.
Dark brown swirled through the air. Before I could watch its descent, my vision filled with him. Chocolate scented the air softly, warmth washing over me.
โโโโโโโ
He stole my lips from the cold winter air.
His lips.
Maiban