I Got Into a Secret Relationship With a Girl Who Was Out of My League
I, Nanamori Hoshina, hated myself.
I was born into a wealthy family with everything I could ever want, and grew up in an environment that everyone would envy. I thought I was cherished and loved.
In my vague memories, my father was a kind man.
But eventually, he changed into a strict man who never smiled.
No matter how hard I tried in my studies or extracurricular activities, he never praised me, instead adopting an attitude of taking it for granted.
I wanted my father to acknowledge me, to return to the way he used to be, so I made an effort. I did everything as he said, striving to achieve results beyond his expectations in everything.
If I kept trying, he would eventually acknowledge me. That’s what I believed.
But my efforts were never rewarded.
And I realized something.
My father doesn’t see me. He saw me as nothing more than an accessory to this household.
Just a symbol, a bird in a cage. That was me.
I did the extracurricular activities my parents chose for me, formed the friendships my parents arranged for me, and was supposed to marry the person my parents selected for me in the future.
There was no room for my own will. It seemed like I had no freedom, and I wasn’t really there.
If that’s the case, then what am I?
While trying to play the role my father expected of me, the distortion grew larger and larger within me.
I couldn’t rebel. I could only fulfill the role my parents had given me. Besides….it’s just my father. He wouldn’t listen to me anyway. I had given up.
And just a moment ago.
I was told over the phone that my fiancée had been chosen. I showed my willingness to comply at the time, but my heart was in turmoil.
I had just become a high school student. The fact that my life was already being decided made me feel nothing but sadness.
After the call ended, I hated myself again. I hated that I couldn’t rebel, even though I felt so sad.
I wanted to deny myself. I wanted to destroy myself.
And I acted impulsively.
A male classmate happened to pass by.
He had the same empty eyes as me.
I forced myself on him. A simple relationship where we could satisfy our instincts and desires.
It was like a small act of rebellion against my father, who had been holding me back. It was a naive and emotional action.
It was meant to defile myself, who was my father’s creation.
Anyway, I’ll eventually have a fiancée. So I wanted something without strings attached. He was the perfect fit for that condition.
Because, coincidentally, he was like me—he didn’t know his parents’ love either.
Would doing such things with someone I loved fulfill me?
Even as I thought such things, I surrendered to the flow and became one with him.
I felt nothing. It was simply an act of denying my own existence.
But…
But it felt better than I had expected.
◆
The day after I started my secret relationship with Nanamori, I went to school as usual.
“Hey, Subaru. You’ve got that same empty look on your face today !”
“What kind of face is that?”
As I sat down, my friend, Kushima Shinji, who had just arrived at school, called out to me.
He had brown hair, wore his uniform casually, and never went without his stylish earrings.
He was the kind of guy who fit the description of “atmospheric heartthrob.”
However, due to his often disappointing behavior, I hadn’t heard much about him being popular.
“It’s your usual face. You could call it listless or sluggish.”
His friend, Togawa Akihiko, added to that.
Akihiko wears glasses and has a handsome face. He’s an intellectual type of handsome guy, but he doesn’t seem to be very popular either. That’s because he’s a pervert.
“Maybe he’s tired from overdoing it yesterday? Living alone gives you a lot of free time. But if that’s the case, then we’re the same. I was just reading the doujinshi I bought yesterday…”
“I don’t want to hear it. And don’t compare us.”
In a way, it’s terrifying how close they are. But the content is worlds apart.
But there’s no way he’d even consider the idea that I was with Nanamori, the class idol, yesterday.
“Ah, if only I had a girlfriend~. Then I could do it every day~.”
“Your voice is too loud. That’s just a terrible thing to say. That’s why you’re not popular, isn’t it?”
“Guh ! The truth can sometimes hurt people !”
I know Shinji is struggling because he doesn’t have a girlfriend, but of course, girls are turned off by such behavior.
Above all, it’s no wonder they think he’s only interested in their bodies.
If he’s aware of the truth, he should just keep his mouth shut.
“But I won’t give up ! I’ll definitely get a girlfriend and lose my virginity by the end of the year !”
“…..Do you want a relationship, or do you just want to have sex? Which is it?”
“Of course both ! I want a relationship, and I want to have sex too !”
As usual, his voice is too loud. The girls around him are backing away. Doesn’t he get it?
Talking to these guys makes me even more confused about the line between love and sex.
“Good morning.”
As we were having this stupid conversation, Nanamori walked into the classroom.
Just her coming to school changes the atmosphere in the classroom. The gloomy boys perk up, and the girls get more energetic too.
Unlike us dullards, the popular kids in class, regardless of gender, gather around her.
As usual, she’s the center of the class today.
What is the darkness she carries?
“—–“
Amidst all this, Nanami glanced at me while surrounded by her classmates. I thought I saw her give me a small wink.
“……”
What was that all about?
Well, it probably doesn’t mean anything deep. Maybe it was just a greeting in response to yesterday.
“Haa…it would be awesome to date Nanamori.”
Watching Nanamori, Shinji muttered.
“Exactly. I’ve imagined dating her so many times in my fantasies. How many times have we made love !”
“It’s gross, so don’t say it out loud.”
“Don’t be ridiculous ! That’s every guy’s dream !”
“That’s right, that’s right ! ! A girl with that body and that beauty…there’s no one else like her ! Look at her. Look at all the guys swarming around Nanamori. They’re all definitely after her !”
I followed the direction of Akihiko and Shinji’s pointing fingers.
Indeed, the boys all seem to be trying to impress Nanamori.
I always think that men are pitiful creatures. I understand what Shinji and the others are saying. Watching them, I am once again convinced that there is no difference between love and sexual desire.
“I’ve fantasized about it so many times—“
“We get it.”
Akihiko, please come back from your fantasy world.
But no one would think that the boys desperately trying to win her favor are in a relationship with me—a casual sexual relationship.
That alone makes me feel strange. Is this what they call a sense of superiority? However, an indescribable emotion overwhelms me.
“Can I go today too?”
And after school.
Despite feeling that way, I nodded in agreement to Nanamori’s invitation once again.
Maitoshi