Episode 1 – helpless

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The Love of My Childhood Friend, Who Has Overcome a Terminally Ill Diagnosis, Is Overwhelming

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I’ve had a close childhood friend since I was little.

To give you an idea of how close we are: on nights when one of our parents was away for work, we’d have dinner at each other’s houses and even sleep over.

Our story began even before we were born.

Our due dates happened to be close together, and since our parents went to the same OB-GYN, our mothers hit it off. In short, it was practically fate that we would become close friends after we were born.

“A-kun! Hurry up, hurry up!”

“W-wait a minute! Kanade!”

However, our compatibility… well, you couldn’t exactly call it good.

My childhood friend, Ichinose Kanade, had a lively personality, whereas I was a coward. She was always dragging me by the hand and taking me somewhere.

Dragged by her hand, my childhood self was taken to all sorts of places.

Inside a grove of trees she found.

To the riverbank she suddenly decided she wanted to visit.

Through what she called a “shortcut”—which was really just someone else’s private property.

I’d be dragged all over the place, get exhausted, and then sleep soundly at night…

That was my daily life as a child.

My daily life fell apart… probably around the time we started elementary school.

It all started when I, with my timid and gloomy personality, became an outsider in my class.

Saying I was an outcast… might make it sound like I was subjected to vicious bullying in class, but I’ve lived a life completely free of bullying up until now.

It’s just that I hated being seen as someone who couldn’t read the room, so I never made a point of speaking up.

“Hey, wait up! Everyone!”

…On the other hand, Kanade had a lively personality, so she became the class favorite in no time.

No, the reason Kanade became so popular in class was probably not just her personality.

Her skin was so fair it seemed she’d never seen the sun.

Her hair was glossy, as if meticulously cared for.

Her figure was so well-proportioned she could have been a child model.

Her beauty was on par with any actress out there.

There was no way someone like her couldn’t be popular in class.

Whenever I walked into the classroom during break time, the boys would hint at their crushes on Kanade, and the girls would be mesmerized by her beauty.

Normally, you’d expect her to be the target of jealousy among her peers… but her beauty was so perfect that it didn’t even give them a moment to feel envious.

…And every time Kanade solidified her popularity like that, even though the distance between us had grown farther than it used to be, I felt a little proud that I was her childhood friend.

After all, none of the people here even know that Kanade used to sing and dance to idol songs, or that she once bumped her foot on the corner of a desk and burst into tears.

There’s a secret that only she and I know.

That was probably what used to be my emotional anchor.

……But eventually, that secret between Kanade and me would be shared with someone else.

When I thought about that distant future, I felt a slight twinge of pain in my chest.

“I heard Kanade’s going to the hospital.”

One evening, as our relationship was growing distant, my mother told me.

“Huh, really?”

The day before she was admitted, Kanade had gone to school as usual. I couldn’t believe she was going to the hospital, let alone that she was being admitted.

“Yeah. That’s tough, isn’t it?”

“…Will she be okay?”

“She said it was just for tests, so I think she’ll be fine.”

…At that time, we were incredibly optimistic about Kanade’s hospitalization.

My mom was probably optimistic too, since she’d heard about Kanade’s hospitalization from Kanade’s mom and was told not to worry…

But at the time, I never would have imagined it.

I never would have imagined that until the day we parted ways, Kanade and I would never meet outside the hospital again…

…… Back then, I had no idea about any of this and was just casually watching my favorite Super Sentai anime.　　

One day passed since Kanade was hospitalized. Two days. Three days. …One month.

Time flew by in the blink of an eye.

Kanade never showed up at school.

Visits were refused at her parents’ request, and time just kept passing relentlessly without us ever being able to see each other.

When Kanade was first hospitalized, her classmates were visibly shaken when the teacher announced the news during the morning homeroom.

However, after a month had passed, their distress faded, and it was as if Kanade had never even been in the class… Ordinary days went by.

Probably, the only one in the class who was worried about Kanade’s condition was me, her childhood friend.

“Atsushi. Do you want to go see Kanade chan?”

Three months after Kanade was hospitalized, my mother asked me.

“Huh? Can I see her?”

“Yeah. It seems things have finally settled down.”

“…I see.”

“…Do you want to go?”

Even as a child, I felt something was off about my mother’s solemn tone.

Even though I was about to reunite with someone I hadn’t been able to see for three whole months, I couldn’t detect any joy in my mother’s expression.

If anything, her face looked a little anxious.

“I’ll go.”

I answered my mother’s suggestion without hesitation.

“Of course I’m going.”

That Saturday, accompanied by my parents, I went to visit Kanade at the hospital where she was staying.

Sitting in the back seat, I held the flowers I’d bought on the way to the hospital.

The car was filled with the sweet scent of the flowers. I wanted to open the window, but since my parents in the front seats were silent, I couldn’t bring myself to suggest it.

My parents always chatted happily when we went on trips, but today they didn’t seem to be in the mood.

“I’m going to park the car, so you guys go ahead.”

“Okay. Be careful.”

My mother and I got out in front of the hospital entrance and watched my father head toward the parking lot.

“Come on, let’s go.”

“Okay.”

My mother took my hand, and I entered the hospital.

The hospital smelled of disinfectant, and just breathing it in made me feel a little queasy.

“…Atsushi. We’re just going to pop in for a bit today, then we’ll head right back home.”

“Ehh?”

I felt a little disappointed by what Mom said.

Mom walked briskly through the hospital.

It was a little hard to keep up with her fast pace.

As usual, Mom wasn’t saying much today.

“…Third floor.”

“Hmm.”

“Atsushi. I need to tell you something first.”

“What?”

“…Actually, it seems Kanade really doesn’t want to see her friends.”

“Huh? Why?”

“So, her other classmates still aren’t allowed to visit. Our family… seems to be an exception.”

…My feelings were complicated.

“……Even when you see Kanade, try not to let it show on your face.”

……On my face?

Ah, Kanade probably isn’t back to her usual self yet, so she’s telling me not to get too excited and tire her out.

“Yeah.”

I nodded optimistically.

……When the elevator reached the third floor, I felt my heart thud loudly.

It had been three whole months since I’d last seen Kanade.

……After not seeing her for three months, it was hard to even remember what kind of conversation we’d had back then.

That must be why.

I was nervous.

I exhaled quietly so my mother wouldn’t notice.

On the third floor, where the hospital rooms were located, nurses were bustling back and forth.

In stark contrast to those bustling nurses, an elderly patient was sitting on a chair outside a room, chatting cheerfully.

“This must be the place.”

……Kanade’s room was at the far end of the third floor.

“Atsushi, let’s go in.”

At my mother’s solemn tone, I nodded silently.

My nerves were on edge.

My mind was racing even more frantically than the nurse I’d just seen.

……What should I say when I see Kanade?

I was thinking about that now, of all times.

“It’s been three months,” is too ordinary, isn’t it?

Talking about what happened at school yesterday… maybe I should skip that.

In that case… what else should I talk about?

My mother knocked on the hospital room door.

“Come in.”

Kanade’s mother’s voice came from inside the room.

“Excuse me.”

I felt like her voice was a little higher-pitched than before.

The door creaked open.

“Hello”

Kanade’s mother greeted us with a smile.

“Long time no see. Have you been well?”

Her voice was cheerful—a complete contrast to the atmosphere just moments ago.

…The sense of unease I’d felt toward her.

“Oh my, Kanade-chan!”

Hearing her cheerful voice, it vanished.

“…Auntie, it’s been a while.”

Kanade’s voice came from the back of the room…

I turned my gaze toward the direction of the voice…

“……A kun.”

……I couldn’t say a word.

“Long time no see.”

Kanade smiled……

Her skin, which had been so fair it seemed she’d never seen the sun…… had lost even more of its color.

Her meticulously groomed hair…… was gone.

Her figure, which had been so well-proportioned she could have been an elementary school model…… was now nothing but skin and bones.

…And her beauty, which left no room for others to feel even a shred of envy.

“……Long time no see, Kanade.”

I managed to squeeze out the words.

I thought I was smiling, but… maybe my face was just contorted.

The moment I saw her, all the unease I’d been feeling toward my parents vanished.

The atmosphere had shifted completely from the heavy tension just moments ago; the fact that she’d put on a cheerful facade just before entering the hospital room made me wonder if my mother had been informed of Kanade’s current situation by her own mother.

…No.

Considering that Kanade had been hospitalized for three whole months and hadn’t shown up at school, if I’d thought about it calmly, I probably could have imagined her current state.

At the very least, it was bound to be obvious right away that Kanade wasn’t “normal” right now.

“……I was worried because I hadn’t seen you for three whole months.”

……Then why couldn’t I have predicted Kanade’s current state?

“……I’m sorry.”

Kanade gave a wry smile, looking apologetic.

Watching her smile wryly, I realized something.

“……No. It’s okay.”

……I knew.

I knew Kanade’s condition was serious.

I knew, and yet I looked away.

……Because.

“……I just didn’t want to believe that Kanade, of all people, would end up in a situation like that.”

The visit to Kanade was over in the blink of an eye, and on the drive home, I muttered to myself.

My parents didn’t say a word to me.

The sweet scent of the flowers we’d bought for the visit still lingered in the car.

“……It seems Kanade chan’s in really bad shape.”

But I didn’t want them to open the window anymore.

“……I guess so.”

“……Poor thing.”

Listening to my parents’ conversation, I looked down and clenched my fists. I was consumed by a boiling rage.

“…What do you mean, ‘poor thing’?”

My anger was directed at my parents.

“‘Poor thing’… That’s as if Kanade is about to…”

About to…

I couldn’t bring myself to say what came next.

The atmosphere in the car grew even more tense.

“Atsushi.”

It was my father who spoke up in the car’s dreadful silence.

“……What do you want to do?”

“Huh?”

“Looking at Kanade’s condition, what would you want to do right now?”

“What do you mean……”

What on earth was my father suddenly talking about?

I couldn’t quite grasp it, but his voice was utterly serious.

It seemed as though he was asking something of me.

“……I…”

……Looking back now, I realize that at that moment, my father—knowing I was about to lose my best friend—might have been trying to spare me the pain, letting me choose how to say goodbye

“I want to encourage Kanade.”

But back then, I wasn’t thinking that deeply about it.

When I tried to figure out how to respond to my father’s earnest question in my head, the only thing that came to mind was… the image of Kanade, completely worn out.

“I understand. Then, I’ll talk to Ichinose and the others.”

“…Huh?”

“From now on, I’ll make arrangements so you guys can meet regularly.”

My father seemed determined.

“So… no matter what happens, you mustn’t give up.”

…It might sound like I’m being contrary, but even if my father hadn’t said that, as long as I could see Kanade, there was no way I’d ever give up.

Fueled by a rebellious spirit, I tried to fall asleep that night… but for some reason, even though I was exhausted, I just couldn’t fall asleep that day.

A few days later, just as he’d promised, my father made arrangements with the Ichinose family so that Kanade and I could meet in her hospital room every Saturday and Sunday.

And my parents volunteered to drive me to the hospital every week.

“…Good morning, Kanade.”

I talked to Kanade every week.

“Hang in there, Kanade.”

Sometimes I encouraged her.

“It’s not like that. Everyone’s looking forward to seeing you again.”

Sometimes I comforted her.

“…Hey, A kun, do you have a crush on anyone?”

…Sometimes.

“Eh…”

“Hey, do you…?”

“…I don’t know.”

I answered, looking down.

After a moment of silence…

“I see.”

Kanade smiled gently.

“I have someone I like.”

And, looking a little embarrassed… she told me.

Like this, sometimes creating a strange atmosphere, our regular visits continued.

January.

February, and so on…

“Good… morning.”

One day, when I went to Kanade’s hospital room, doctors and nurses were gathered around her bed.

“Kanade! Kanade!”

Kanade’s mother’s shrill screams echoed through the room.

“Move aside!”

I was frozen in place in front of the hospital room door when a flustered doctor shoved me aside.

“Atsushi, are you okay?”

My mother picked me up, looking worried.

…Even though I was already in elementary school, I burst into tears right there on the spot.

I went to the intensive care unit and cried for about an hour in the empty hospital room. My tears finally stopped when I had nothing left to cry.

“…Atsushi, let’s pray.”

My mother said this to me, even though I hadn’t lifted my face even after I’d stopped crying.

“Kanade chan will be fine. I’m sure she’ll show us her energetic self again.”

…I didn’t answer.

No, I couldn’t.

Thanks to my parents’ arrangements, I was able to keep visiting Kanade for a while.

We talked about all sorts of things.

I encouraged her, I comforted her… I was even able to hear what was on her mind.

I was able to spend such precious time with her…

……But in the end.

No matter how much I encouraged her.

No matter how much I comforted her.

No matter how much… I was able to understand her feelings…

……In the end, I couldn’t do anything.

Fortunately, Kanade survived.

“I’m sorry about earlier. I pushed you.”

After Kanade’s treatment was finished, the doctor apologized to me directly.

“No. On the contrary, thank you.”

“Huh?”

“Thank you for saving Kanade’s life…”

All I could do was bow my head to the doctor.

“…I’m sorry.”

Looking somewhat embarrassed, the doctor scratched his cheek.

“I’m not sure, but I think the only thing I can do is keep her alive.”

“……”

“If she’s going to beat this illness, the time will surely come when she has to leave this place.”

“……”

“Even so… it’s fifty-fifty. No…”

The doctor said nothing more.

Then, the day of our parting came suddenly.

Well, to tell the truth, it might have been a planned departure… but back then, I was just a kid, and I wasn’t treated as special enough by those around me to be told what the adults had decided.

…No, actually, I suppose the fact that I was told at all meant I was special.

“It looks like Kanade and the others are going overseas starting next week.”

Then my mother told me, bit by bit, the reason for Kanade’s trip.

However, what she told me wasn’t all that different from what had flashed through my mind the moment I was told Kanade was leaving.

Basically, Kanade and the others were going to France to seek treatment for her illness from a doctor considered an authority on that condition.

That was all.

“So, I don’t think they’ll be back for a while.”

“I see.”

Why didn’t they tell me sooner?

If she had told me sooner, I could have cherished our time together more and made the most of those moments.

…Strangely enough, that feeling of resentment didn’t well up inside me.

“I hope she gets well soon…”

Watching Kanade suffer and grow weaker day by day from her illness, I couldn’t bring myself to think, “Don’t go,” or “Don’t go far away.”

If anything, I couldn’t help but feel that rather than staying by the side of someone like me—who could only offer irresponsible words of encouragement—she should have left sooner to focus on her treatment.

Anyway, for that reason, I didn’t feel any resentment over our parting; I simply wished for her recovery and accepted it without reservation.

Perhaps because of that, the day of our farewell arrived in the blink of an eye.

My mother and I went to the airport on the day of their departure to see Kanade and her group off.

For some reason, the memory of holding my mother’s hand the whole time on the train is still burned into my mind.

“Well then, I’m off now.”

Kanade’s mother said to us in a deliberately cheerful voice as we stood in front of the departure gate.

“Take care.”

“You too.”

The farewell between our mothers was brief.

For some reason, witnessing that scene made me think, “They’re so grown-up.”

“Come on, you two.”

My mother gave me a gentle push on the back.

I took a step forward, made eye contact with Kanade… and froze.

Even though Kanade and I had talked about all sorts of things, day after day, up until now.

For some reason, right now, I couldn’t find the words.

“…A kun…”

It was Kanade who spoke first.

“Have you ever been to France, Akun?”

…Because I’d spent so much time talking with Kanade in all her different forms, I realized it right away.

“…No.”

“Really? Me neither.”

“……I see.”

“Yeah. I’m so excited!”

“……That’s great, isn’t it?”

“Yeah. ……Yeah. Where should we go? The Eiffel Tower, right? The Arc de Triomphe, right? There are so many tourist spots!”

……Her voice was trembling.

“……I want to go to lots of places.”

“We can go. We have plenty of time.”

“……Do we really have that much time?”

“We do. Of course we do.”

I felt a cold sweat trickle down my spine.

“……Kanade is going to France for treatment and is going to beat this illness.”

“……”

“Then Kanade will get better. So we can go anywhere.”

I smiled.

“Besides, Kanade, once you get better… you’re definitely going to be popular!”

“That’s not…”

“It’s true.”

…After all, she used to be the most popular girl in the class.

“So, you’ll definitely become popular again right away, and you’ll forget all about me in a heartbeat.”

“…That’s not…”

“So, get well soon—just so you can forget about me!”

I was desperately trying to hold back my tears.

The airport entrance.

Cheerful people from foreign countries speaking foreign languages.

People looking fed up, perhaps heading overseas for work.

…And her, looking so fragile, her face on the verge of tears.

“Good luck.”

I offered Kanade words of encouragement.

I wanted her to do her best so she wouldn’t let her illness get the better of her.

……But I didn’t feel that way anymore.

I just…

I’m a helpless person.

I’m a weak, weak person who can’t even save a single little child like Kanade…

……That’s why I wanted her to promise me.

……To Kanade, that she’d do her best.

“……Hehe.”

She merely gave a faint smile.

“……It’s about time.”

“Yeah, be careful on your trip.”

“Okay.”

The mothers lingered, reluctant to part.

An announcement echoed from the distance.

“……Bye-bye.”

As Kanade passed through the departure gate, she waved weakly at me.

“……Well, shall we head home?”

After watching Kanade and the others proceed to security for several minutes, my mother suggested,

“……I want to stay here a little longer.”

I was reluctant to go home.

“Then let’s go to the observation deck. We can watch Kanade and the others’ plane take off.”

Led by my mother, who looked exasperated, we headed toward the observation deck.

The observation deck was a strange place where a few airplane enthusiasts were taking photos.

Perhaps because we were near the ocean, strong gusts of wind frequently swept over us, and each time, I clung to my mother to ward off the cold.

“That’s the plane.”

The plane my mother pointed to was… a large jumbo jet carrying not only Kanade but many other passengers.

“…It’ll be taking off soon.”

The plane carrying her taxied down the runway.

After two turns, the plane came to a stop… then suddenly roared to life and accelerated at breakneck speed.

The plane lifted off the runway.

It climbed higher into the overcast sky.

Piercing through the clouds, the plane carried Kanade into the sky.

Carrying her to the sky, closer to heaven than to the earth…

…That was when it happened.

Tears streamed down my face.

She had set off into the sky strictly for medical treatment.

To go to a foreign land and defeat the illness that was consuming her.

I should have understood that.

…I should have.

“Bye-bye… Kanade.”

At that moment, I instinctively realized that Kanade and I would never meet again.

…Come to think of it.

[Good luck.]

Just a moment ago, when I offered words of encouragement to Kanade at the departure gate…

[…Hehe.]

She just smiled and didn’t reply.

Not that she’d do her best…

…or that she’d definitely come back…

…She didn’t say a single word to me.

Probably, she had a vague sense of it too.

…Of her impending death…

…Of our parting…

…Being the kind person she is, she must have arranged things so as not to give me any false hope.

“Thank you, Mom.”

Wiping away my tears, I thanked my mother.

“Thanks to you, I was able to see Kanade off.”

“…Atsushi.”

“When I get home, I’ll make sure to thank Dad properly, too.”

…Thanks to my parents, I was able to see Kanade off properly.

So, I decided to do the right thing.

But… deep down, I was tormented by an overwhelming sense of helplessness.

I felt a frustration bordering on anger toward myself for being unable to save Kanade.

My hands were clenched so tightly that my nails dug into my skin, causing pain.

…Before I knew it, the plane that had taken off into the sky was no longer visible.

And we never met again.

…Or so I thought.

It was summer.

Several years had passed since Kanade left… It was the year we turned fifteen.

…A transfer student arrived at the high school I attended.

That transfer student was…

Fair-skinned.

With a stunning figure.

Her beautiful black hair flowing in the breeze…

And, unlike before, she wore a beaming, infectious smile.

“I’m Ichinose Kanade! Nice to meet you all!”

A reunion after five years.

Though she still bore a resemblance to her former self, she had transformed so much that for a moment, I thought she wasn’t the same person.

“Wow, she’s so cute.”
“She looks like a model…”
“She’s gorgeous…”

She had grown into such a beautiful young lady that she instantly captivated every single classmate, regardless of gender.

I couldn’t help but stare, my mouth hanging open, mesmerized by her standing in front of the blackboard.

“Now then, Ichinose-san’s seat is…”

As the teacher scanned the classroom…

“Teacher, the seat next to me is empty!”

“Over here! This one’s empty too!”

“Hey, you! Go to another class! This seat belongs to Ichinose!”

A boisterous classmate spoke up, getting worked up.

“Haha. You guys are full of energy, aren’t you?”

Kanade watched the lively classmates with a smile, without even glancing my way.

…I was a little shocked.

Even though it was our first reunion in a long time, Kanade didn’t even seem to notice me.

“Alright then, Ichinose-san’s seat is over there.”

“Okay.”

“Yesss!”

…But I guess that’s just how it is.

After all, she’s so beautiful, and she’s already settled into this class better than I have—even though I’ve been here for months.

……She probably doesn’t have the time to pay attention to a wallflower like me at this point.

“Ichinose! Where did you transfer from!?”

My gloomy thoughts were…

“Ichinose-san! What’s your favorite food!?”

…became even more entrenched every time I saw my classmates swarming around her desk during break time, bombarding her with questions.

“Stand up, bow!”

And by the time the short homeroom session before dismissal ended, I had come to realize it.

“Ichinose-san! Want to go to a café or something after school to get to know each other better!?”

“Ah! That’s so mean! Ichinose-san, come with us!”

……It seemed that over the past five years, a gap had formed between her and me that, no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t bridge.

I chose to go home without exchanging a single word with Kanade.

I grabbed my bag from my desk, stood up from my chair, and started walking toward the door.

“……Ah!”

Amidst Kanade’s excited chatter, I heard a voice that seemed to have noticed something.

The sound of indoor shoes.

“……Huh?”

Surprised voices all around.

“Wait, A-kun!”

Suddenly, my arm was grabbed.

……For a moment, I didn’t know what was happening and froze.

In the classroom, which had been transformed into an eerie silence in stark contrast to just moments ago, I slowly turned my head in the direction my arm was being pulled.

……And there she was.

“Moou! Why are you trying to go home first?”

It was Kanade.

“Let’s go home together?”

……Come to think of it, this was the first conversation we had after our reunion.

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Maiasa

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