The School’s Top Idol Is Acting Like She’s My Childhood Friend for Some Reason and Just Keeps Closing the Distance on Her Own…?! ~Stop Getting All Gloomy on Me Just Because I Turned You Down!~
“Don’t abandon me.”
The moment those words left my mouth, I realized I had exposed to Seita the softest, most pathetic part of myself.
The cold air at the entrance.
The floor bathed in the evening glow.
The voices of students heading to club activities sounded distant and muffled, as if coming from underwater.
Seita was right in front of me.
My hands were clutching his arms. I didn’t mean to grip him so tightly, but my fingers tightened involuntarily. If I let go, it felt like he would just walk away.
Seita looked troubled.
Of course he did.
A woman he’d only met a few days ago suddenly claimed to be his childhood friend, closed the distance between them, and to top it all off, was clinging to him while crying.
Under normal circumstances, he’d back away.
Normally, he’d be scared.
Normally, he’d want nothing more to do with me.
Even so, I couldn’t let go of his hand.
The moment Seita looked away from me, my chest tightened. It felt as if my heart had been gripped by cold fingers.
Oh, no.
Don’t make that face.
Don’t get ready to push me away.
The Seita who saved me that day didn’t have that look on his face.
When I was surrounded by those men at the shopping mall, I had almost forgotten how to smile. As Hoshimiya Rino, I know how to handle such situations. I’ve learned countless times through my work how to smile when I’m in trouble, how to speak gently when refusing someone, and how to maintain a distance that won’t hurt the other person.
But that day, I couldn’t do it right.
I was just holding my favorite manga.
I was just, for a brief moment, choosing a book I liked at the bookstore like any ordinary girl.
Yet, the moment someone spoke my name, that moment was over.
Hoshimiya Rino.
That name is convenient.
Lots of people turn to look at me. They smile at me. They compliment me. They seek me out.
But sometimes, that name walks ahead of me.
Even though I haven’t said a word yet, people around me approach me with expressions that suggest they already know who I am.
At times like that, Seita was the only one who was different.
He didn’t call out my name.
He didn’t ask for a photo.
He didn’t ask about my situation.
He just picked up the manga and draped his hoodie over my shoulders.
“Don’t you hate it when people treat the things you love roughly?”
Those words still linger deep in my ears.
Maybe he wasn’t trying to treat me with care.
Maybe, to him, it was just picking up a dropped manga.
Even so, it was more than enough for me.
He saw the things I loved before he saw my name.
He noticed that I was scared before he even knew if I was Hoshimiya Rino .
Just that alone was enough for him to slip right into the empty space that had always been in my heart.
So today, when he yelled at me, I couldn’t breathe.
“What do you know about me?”
Those words are true.
I don’t know Seita.
I don’t know his past, his wounds, or why he prefers to be alone—I don’t know any of it.
Even though I didn’t know, I acted like we were childhood friends.
I pretended to know him.
Because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t have a reason to stand by his side.
As a girl he’d just met, my reason for getting close to Seita was too flimsy.
As a classmate, I’d just be one of the crowd.
As Hoshimiya Rino, I’d end up at the distance he hates most.
That’s why I wanted to be his childhood friend.
If I acted like I’d known him forever, standing next to him wouldn’t seem unnatural.
Even if I called his name, grabbed his sleeve, or said I wanted to walk home with him, I felt like I’d be allowed to do it—just a little.
It’s ridiculous.
I know that myself.
But the moment Seita told me, “Don’t get involved with me anymore,” all those excuses crumbled.
The ground fell out from under me.
Seita has no idea how much that short time between that day and today has meant to me.
The fact that Seita didn’t completely reject me in the classroom.
The fact that he talked to me about I Don’t Need Youth during lunch break.
The fact that he said, even just a little, that he felt at ease when he was with me.
I had been carefully gathering each and every one of those moments.
Just like gathering tiny jewels someone had dropped, with both hands.
Yet Seita tried to end it so easily.
“Please stop getting involved with me.”
The moment I heard those words, something inside my chest snapped with a loud crack.
No.
I don’t want that.
No, no, no, no.
I don’t want Seita to leave.
I don’t want a Seita who won’t look at me.
I don’t want a Seita who smiles normally at everyone else but only gives me a troubled look.
I know there’s no way I can be part of Seita’s past.
But the thought of me not being part of Seita’s future—that was what I couldn’t bear.
“So please, don’t abandon me.”
As soon as the words left my mouth, tears began to fall.
I hadn’t meant to cry.
I knew crying would only make things worse.
But I couldn’t stop.
Seita gently pulled his hand away from mine.
In that instant, my heart grew cold again.
Oh, it’s over.
That’s what I thought.
I thought he’d pulled his hand away to distance himself from me.
But I was wrong.
Seita bowed his head.
“I’m sorry about earlier.”
The moment I heard those words, I knew I couldn’t afford to be crying anymore.
Seita was apologizing.
To me.
To a troublesome woman like me—who had closed the distance on her own, gotten hurt on her own, and clung to him on her own.
He said it was entirely his fault.
He also said he wanted me to forget.
There’s no way I could forget.
There’s no way I could ever forget.
I wanted to remember everything: Seita’s angry face, his pained expression, the way he pulled away from me to apologize.
Even though he said such horrible things to me.
Even though my heart ached.
Still, I was a little happy that I got to see a side of him he didn’t even know existed.
I’m scared of myself for feeling that way.
Just Seita’s gentle side isn’t enough.
I find myself wanting it all—his troubled expression, his angry voice, his eyes wavering with guilt.
If it’s something Seita showed me, I want to cherish even the pain.
“I won’t forget.”
I wiped away my tears and said that.
Seita looked a little troubled.
Seeing that expression, my heart tightened again.
No.
When he looks at me like that, I want to trouble him even more.
I want him to fill his head with thoughts of me even more.
I want to create even more reasons for him not to be able to escape.
“I’ll take responsibility.”
The moment Seita said that, I felt the dark part inside me slowly raise its head.
Responsibility.
That word was naive.
It was like a chain.
A thin, flimsy chain that Seita had handed to me of his own accord.
I gently took it in both hands.
If I pulled too hard, it would snap.
If I scared him, he would surely run away.
So I had to hold it gently.
But I absolutely didn’t want to let go.
“So, let’s go buy the latest volume of I Don’t Need Youth together.”
I tried to say it as casually as possible.
So my voice wouldn’t tremble after crying.
So my overwhelming emotions wouldn’t show.
But the one thing I said—that I wanted to know more about Seita—was true.
The works he loves.
The cards he loves.
The reason he chooses one person.
The past he doesn’t want to show anyone.
I want to know it all.
I want to know it, remember it, and make it mine alone.
Even if Seita hates himself, I alone want to pick up every piece of him.
Even the parts Seita thinks are “hopeless,” I want to give them names and treasure them.
If I do that, he won’t be able to push me away so easily anymore.
The more of Seita that only I know, the closer we’ll get to being true childhood friends.
If we don’t have a past, we can just make one from now on.
If we don’t have memories, I can just keep running today’s events over and over in my mind.
The times Seita rejected me, the times I cried, the times he apologized, and the promise we made to go buy the latest volume together.
All of it will become our memories.
Thinking that, even though the traces of tears were still on my cheeks, I found myself smiling.
Seita saw that and looked a little weary.
Cute.
That’s what I thought.
Even though he’d just said such horrible things to me.
Even though I was scared.
Even though I felt like I was about to be abandoned, and my heart felt like it was being crushed.
Still, seeing Seita troubled by me warms the depths of my heart.
Seita’s feelings are directed toward me.
Whether it’s anger, confusion, or guilt—it doesn’t matter.
It’s so much better than indifference.
As long as he looks at me, any emotion will do, at least at first.
“Let’s go home together today.”
I said.
Seita tried to refuse.
I could sense it.
So, without saying a word, I just looked at him.
Seeing my red-rimmed eyes, Seita faltered slightly.
It’s sneaky.
I know that myself.
But I wanted to use whatever I could.
Whether it was my face after crying, my trembling voice, or the lie that we were childhood friends.
If it meant I could be by Seita’s side, I’d use anything and everything.
“Just part of the way,”
Seita said.
A soft warmth spread through my chest.
Just part of the way.
That’s fine.
That’s enough for today.
Tomorrow, a little further.
This weekend, to the bookstore.
Next time, to the card shop Seita likes.
Little by little, bit by bit, I’ll carve out a place for myself in Seita’s life.
Until, before I even realize it, he’ll feel lonely without me in his daily routine.
When Seita tried to pull away from me, I was scared—more than I ever expected.
But at the same time, I realized something.
I can’t give up on being by Seita’s side anymore.
It’s too heavy to bear after just one day.
I know that.
But who decided how long it takes to fall in love?
For me, that single moment that day was enough.
That moment when he saved me without even asking my name.
As I stepped out of the entrance, the evening breeze brushed against my cheek.
The traces of my tears felt a little cold.
Seita is walking beside me.
He’s walking with his head down, but I can tell he glances over at me from time to time.
That alone made me happy.
There’s a place inside Seita that cares about me.
It’s okay if it’s small for now.
It’s okay if it’s guilt.
It’s okay if it’s a sense of responsibility.
It’s okay if it’s just a lie about us being childhood friends.
I’ll sit there.
And I’ll expand it little by little.
So that when Seita wants to be alone, it feels natural for me to be there.
So that when Seita talks about the things he likes, it feels normal for me to be by his side.
So that when Seita remembers his painful past, I’m the first name he calls out.
“Seita.”
“Yes?”
“I’m looking forward to Sunday.”
“…It’s atonement.”
Atonement.
At those words, I smiled slightly.
Seita hasn’t realized it yet.
Atonement can continue.
Responsibility can be built up.
Promises can be made.
Walking beside him, I murmured softly to myself.
It’s okay.
It’s okay if we’re not childhood friends just yet.
I just need to create enough memories that someday, Seita won’t be able to help but call me that.
I just need to add one more reason at a time for Seita not to abandon me.
We walked side by side down the street bathed in the evening glow.
The distance between Seita and me was still just enough that our fingertips wouldn’t touch.
But that’s okay.
For today.
I gently clasped my own hand inside my uniform sleeve.
I want to grab it.
Actually, I want to grab Seita’s hand right now.
But I’ll hold back.
I’ll get closer at a pace that won’t make Seita run away.
Naturally enough that Seita won’t notice, but making sure I never let him get away.
Walking beside him, I exhaled quietly.
—Don’t abandon me.
The words I’d spoken just a moment ago still ached deep within my chest.
But right now, even that pain felt precious to me.
Because that pain was something Seita had given me.
Maigetsu