The Love of My Childhood Friend, Who Has Overcome a Terminally Ill Diagnosis, Is Overwhelming
For a while, we stood hugging each other in front of the departure gate.
After about five minutes, people heading out of the country—including some foreigners—started giving us curious looks.
“Kanade, let’s head back soon.”
I said this to Kanade, who was still burying her face in my chest.
“Akun… Akun…”
But Kanade just kept wriggling her face against my chest, not listening to a word I said.
“Kanade, let’s go home.”
“Hii…!”
When I forcibly pulled Kanade away from my chest, she flinched in surprise.
A strange atmosphere seemed to hang in the air around us.
“…L-let’s go home.”
“Oh, yeah.”
Finally having gotten Kanade’s agreement, we set off for home.
We left the airport, waited a while on the subway platform, and boarded the train when it arrived.
“…It’s pretty empty.”
“The times when trains leaving the airport get crowded really depend on the time of day, you know.”
Sitting down in an empty seat, I said,
“Akkun, you really did go to the airport every single day, didn’t you?”
Kanade sat down next to me.
“Well, yeah.”
“You were that eager to see me again?”
“……I guess so.”
……Well, I don’t think I was going there just to see her again.
Going there was also a way to scold myself for feeling so powerless.
“Akkun. Akkun.”
“…What?”
“Can I hold your hand?”
“Huh?”
“Here goes.”
Without even waiting for my reply, Kanade forcibly took my hand.
“Hehe. It’s warm.”
…Since we reunited, this might be the first time I’ve seen Kanade this obviously giddy.
Before she opened up to me at the airport, Kanade had been smiling, but… there was a certain indescribable pressure about her.
“Akkun. Can I rest my head on your shoulder?”
“Huh?”
“Here goes.”
The warmth of Kanade’s head slowly spread across my right shoulder.
…But her hair fell over my face, tickling my nose and making it feel a little itchy.
“……I’m happy.”
……I heard Kanade’s blissful voice.
Happy, huh.
……I’m happy, too.
Since I was able to reunite with my childhood friend, whom I thought I’d never see again, and make even a small amends for the past, no emotion other than happiness comes to mind.
……But is it really okay for me to just honestly enjoy this happiness?
“……Akkun?”
“Huh?”
“You look troubled.”
……Kanade, who had slipped off my shoulder without me noticing, said to me.
“……Could it be…”
The light faded from Kanade’s eyes……
“Did you hate it when I was all over you?”
…I looked down.
“Of course not.”
I glanced at Kanade.
“Ehehe…”
Kanade’s face looked more carefree than ever.
“……It’s just that,”
“Just that?”
“It’s just that… I was able to settle a score with a certain past at the very place where I split up with you.”
……I continued.
“In the end, I haven’t really changed at all, have I?”
That day, I cursed my own helplessness and swore to myself that I would become capable of accomplishing something as a lesson.
Up until today, not a single day has gone by where I’ve slacked off.
Even on days when I had a fever. Even when I had diarrhea. No matter what, I’ve pushed myself to the limit.
“Because I haven’t accomplished anything yet.”
Even though I’ve devoted myself entirely to self-improvement, there are no visible results.
“If I just keep enjoying this happiness as it is… won’t I end up causing you pain again?”
I was trapped by that doubt… no, that fear.
“…Akkun.”
Kanade looked at me with sympathetic eyes.
“Akkun, aren’t your goals just too high?”
“Huh?”
“Actually, if you ask me if you haven’t accomplished anything so far, I don’t think that’s true at all.”
It was hard to believe at first.
“I mean, Akkun. You’re number one in the class on the academic tests, right? Most people would get a big head just from that and think, ‘I’m so amazing!’”
…How did Kanade, who just transferred here, know that I was number one in the class on the academic tests?
“The thing is, Akkun. The reason you’ve been looking so miserable all this time… isn’t it because your goals are set too high, so you’re not getting any sense of accomplishment?”
“…A sense of accomplishment?”
“Yeah. Since you aren’t getting that sense of accomplishment, you’ve been looking so miserable, your self-esteem is low, and maybe people around you are looking down on you?”
…I fell silent.
“Hehe. Well, I know all of A-kun’s good points, though, you know?”
Kanade looked happy as she rested her head on my shoulder again.
I slowly mulled over Kanade’s words in my mind.
Her point… honestly, I thought it made sense.
Up until today, I haven’t been satisfied with my own achievements. That’s why I feel like I haven’t produced any results.
…Could it be that I’ve been mistakenly thinking I haven’t accomplished anything so far?
My goals are too high.
Sure, if I lowered my goals a little… maybe there would be at least a few things I’ve accomplished so far.
…But if I lower my goals now, won’t I become complacent?
If I feel a sense of accomplishment and am freed from this suffering… won’t that lead to a major failure down the road?
To be honest, I want to be freed from this suffering as soon as possible.
There aren’t many people who want to keep suffering forever.
[……Bye-bye.]
But it’s also true that if lowering my goal leads to tragedy, I feel it might be better to just keep suffering.
……I wonder what I should do.
“Akkun.”
Someone spoke to me in a gentle voice, their head resting on my shoulder.
“Just lower your goal.”
“…Huh?”
“I’m not going anywhere anymore.”
“…Oh.”
“If that’s the case, Akkun, you won’t have to try so hard anymore, right?”
…I see.
“Then we can stay together forever, right?”
That’s certainly true.
“……Why don’t you give up on studying abroad and just stay with me forever?”
Kanade wrapped her arms around my waist.
“Right? For the rest of our lives, until one of us dies. No, even after one of us dies… let’s stay together forever?”
……Listening to Kanade’s sweet whisper.
“……Okay.”
My mind was made up.
“I’m not lowering my goals…!”
After a moment of silence…
“W-waaaah!?”
Kanade looked at me with a panicked expression.
“It’s true, if I lower my goals now, I’ll be freed from this suffering.”
“……Aah…”
“But if I did that, I’d probably just keep relying on you forever.”
“……Euuu…”
“That’s not what I want.”
“……Uuuu…”
“I want to become the kind of person who can save you.”
So… I won’t lower my standards.
It’s precisely because Kanade whispered those sweet words to me and helped me realize my true feelings that I can make this declaration.
“Kanade, thank you. You helped me wake up.”
“Ah… A-kun. Um…”
The train arrived at the station nearest my home.
“See you later, Kanade. I’ll do my best.”
“…A-kun.”
Kanade’s voice behind me sounded weaker than ever.
Maiasa